Beyond Diagnosis

I sit at my desk huddled in my University hoodie, with my bedside lamp to light my darkened bedroom and a strong plum scent filling the air. I've just waved the boyfriend off to work and having done a bit of tidying, i've settled done with a mug of White Tea and my laptop.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow. Its 'The Boys's 21st Birthday!! I have the day planned; We're staying at his house tonight so he can wake up to lots of presents and cards tomorrow morning. From me he will be recieving; A Fairisle Cardigan (its chunky and warm and will no doubt be glued to me within a matter of hours), A book by Andy Mcnab, The Inbetweeners boxset and a HUGE French Fancy cake!
Then we're going to tuck ourselves away in a stripey booth at my union to have a full english breakfast, a pot of tea and a good catch up (as we don't get to see too much of each other due to hectic uni life and hefty work loads!)this will be followed by a trip to the cinema to see whatever his highness fancies! and then back to his house to go out for a meal with his family. Hopefully he'll have a really good day

Oh my! I have found a new phone that i reaaaaaallly want! Its the Samsung Genio QWERTY. Its just like a blackberry but much much cheaper and it comes in really lovely bright colours. The only problem is that the QWERTY version of the phone is only available on Orange and im on O2. There's no way i would change contracts because i get a really good deal at the moment plus i wouldnt be able to get any signal in my house. Im definitely not getting the touch screen version because i have an LG Cookie at the moment and hate it! I'm just going to wait a while to see if it comes out on o2 and if not ill buy it on orange pay as you go and get it unlocked so i can use my simcard with it. Ha!

For the most exciting news of all...... I've got a job!!!! It only took *counts on fingers* 10 months of searching! I now work at a Football Club. I know exactly what you're thinking - what a strange place for you to get a job! But its the only place that would have me and its good money.First shift on Saturday - will let you know how it goes!

Love
X

I am all alone today. My loverrrly boyfriend has gone on a trip for university and won’t be back until tomorrow night. This means that I will not be participating in anything for this night of dressing up and asking strangers for sweets. However on Thursday we donned our homemade costumes and hit the rock night in town. I went as Little ‘Dead’ Riding Hood. I discovered that it is very hard to make a hooded cape. ‘The Boy’ went as a zombie/car crash victim. He discovered that driving over a t-shirt does not leave sufficient tyre prints! All in all it was a very good night; there was lots of dancing and laughing, and we ended the night with a disgusting cheese burger from a take away.

The next morning I awoke early as I had a full day at university ahead of me. Thank god for Lush products! My face would have been stained red from the fake blood if not for their AMAZING ‘Ultra bland’ cleanser! Although I wasn’t in lectures, I had a couple of group meetings for various modules and presentations. Basically I spent the entire day in the union; tucked away in a stripey, corner booth with a few cups of hot chocolate. It went quite smoothly and a lot of work was done. I ended up driving over to my boyfriend’s house to collapse on his bed with a cup of coffee and Gilmore Girls. Exactly what I needed after a looong day of discussion and negotiation!

At the top of my Christmas wishlist is these.....

They are by Irregular Choice and are called ‘Amazing Grace’. They are Amazing. And beautiful.

Happy Halloween!
X

I have just had a revelation whilst listening to Damien Rice. I’ve had issues in the past trying to figure out who I am, as a person. People always say that you need to ‘find’ yourself. Well, I just have.

I am the girl who bumbles her way through life with a smile on her face. A bit scatter-brained I forget my keys and put my shoes in the freezer instead of the wardrobe. I am quite content wandering around the shopping centre in the middle of the afternoon, a Starbucks in one hand and my perfect boyfriend in the other.

I am NOT the person who (if you’re lucky) slumps into a lecture hung over, because I was out the night before getting horribly drunk in some disgusting, grotty venue, kissing random guys and smoking like a chimney. I did this for a while last year; my darkest times yet. It wasn’t me and I know that. It was a rebellion against the guy that broke my heart.

You don’t want me? Fine! I don’t need you; I can do what I want!

I’m so thankful that I have realised how wrong that was. That is the complete opposite to who I am. Granted I haven’t behaved like that in a while but it’s almost like I was missing it. Now? The very thought of me ever acting that way makes me feel sick to my stomach. I think it’s important to know who you are. It makes life so much simpler and means you can be so much happier.

Some of your hurts you have cured,
And the sharpest you still have survived,
But what torments of grief you endured
From the evil which never arrived.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

X

On Monday I thought I would have some time for myself while the boyfriend was at university. So I wrapped up warm, headed out of the city and into a small town not too far from me. I grabbed a cinnamon latte from Costa and wandered down the high street, popping into various charity shops along my way. As I walked merrily down the cobbled street, I couldn’t help but smile to myself. There was a guy playing the accordion outside Superdrug, a group of women laughing and chatting and the smell of freshly baked cakes in the air. There was such a lovely atmosphere, it made me feel so relaxed and content with life. I ended up buying a few old cassette tapes for my car, a cool tin and a photo frame.

I love browsing charity shops; they make me feel all warm inside. They’re these little shops hidden away between the huge money eating stores, filled with small treasures that once belonged to someone. These treasures were once loved, possible many years old, and they will be bought by other people, for a small price that goes to a good cause, so they may live a new life. It all seems so dreamlike and ideal. They are such happy places, run by lovely old ladies doing some good in their spare time.

Before ‘The Boy’ went to work this afternoon (hopefully to hear some good news about cutting down his hours!) we cuddled up on my bed between the large volume of cushions and throws, with a mug of coffee and a Pan Au Chocolat each and talked about how lovely it would be to go to Paris. I’ve always wanted to go to Paris; have coffee in a street side cafe, visit the Eiffel Tower and wander around hand in hand with the boy I love. I know I’m an old romantic and I watch too many films but I’m a film student – it comes with the job! Speaking of which, we’re off to interview a media professional on Friday for one of my modules. The studio isn’t too far away and the guy seemed really enthusiastic, so fingers crossed it all goes well.

I rang my mum yesterday for a little chat. I haven’t spoken to her in a week or so now. It’s dreadful but I never remember to do it and then I’m so busy with university I can’t squeeze her in. We had a good old talk and she caught me up with all the gossip from home. I told her about my letter from the hospital, giving me my appointment for my surgery. It’s at the beginning of December and she offered to come up for it. It’s really sweet of her to ask but I’m only going to be in for a couple of hours *touches wood* and they won’t let me have visitors. Stupid hospital.

Well I’m going to make myself a cup of tea and munch on some dried cherries, whilst browsing the internet for ‘The Boy’s’ birthday presents.

Be Merry!!
X

I’m wrapped up in my flowery duvet (thanks Nan!) with my boyfriends David Bowie tee on and a BIG mug of coffee. I woke up this morning just before 8am to ‘the boy’s alarm. He wandered down to the bathroom for a shower and some breakfast while I turned over and fell back asleep. An hour later he kissed me goodbye and headed off to work. For a moment I considered getting up, but as I looked at the mess that I ashamedly call my bedroom, I decided I couldn’t face it. Instead I had a duvet day. I’ve been so stressed at Uni lately; I’m constantly studying and in and out of lectures all the time. I was in all day yesterday for a TI day (Technical Instruction) being trained on the new cameras and the specialist equipment. I just feel really run down at the moment. So I thought I would give myself a little break and spend the entire day in bed drinking copious amounts of coffee and watching ‘Jamie at Home’ on 4od. I love Jamie Oliver, the man is a genius!

I’ve also been browsing the internet for my boyfriend’s 21st birthday present as it’s only a few weeks away. I have a couple of things in mind but can’t get him the things I really want because I’m so poor... Stupid loan being taken from me for accommodation and bills! These things include; a beautiful knitted jumper from Topman at £46 and Michael McIntyre tickets at £30 each. I know it doesn’t sound like a great deal of money but I have £300 left in my bank account to do me until my next loan instalment in January. I hate not having money, especially around Christmas and birthdays. I’m one of those people that LOVE buying people gifts; in fact I would go as far as to say I prefer giving them than receiving them. I just love the thrill of getting something that you know they would love. I just want my boyfriends face to light up and for those cute little dimples to appear when he opens my gift. I know he understands and I know he would love whatever I got him, but I want it to be something special. It’s his 21st and the first birthday I’ve been with him. Maybe I’ll just buy him some slippers. I bought the most adorable slippers the other day and I know he loves them! They’re cream and black booties and are so comfy I keep trying to wear them outside. If they had a better sole on them I think I would!

‘The boy’ and I are heading to his house tonight for dinner and to watch Gilmore Girls. I love the Gilmore Girls. I wish I lived somewhere like Stars Hollow; a kooky little village where everyone knows everybody else and I could go to a cute little cafe like Luke’s for my morning coffee!

Oh well, I think I’ll have a cup of Cherry Tea and watch some more Jamie.

Wrap up warm, it’s getting cold brrrrrrr!
X

Brew me a cup for a winter's night.
For the wind howls loud and the furies fight;
Spice it with love and stir it with care,
And I'll toast our bright eyes,
my sweetheart fair.
~Minna Thomas Antrim

My head feels very full at the minute. Full of thoughts about Uni work, the future and what I’ll do after I finish. This makes me feel very heavy and suddenly the phrase “Carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders” becomes a very real thing. But my head is also full of very pleasant thoughts. Thoughts of my amazing boyfriend (who unbelievably, still hasn’t tired of me after 8 months), and daydreams of Christmas time. I know it seems a tad early to be thinking about Christmas but I can’t help it. I wake up early and have a sleepy shower, make myself a cup of coffee to kick start my mind and sit on the end of my bed gazing out of the window. Lately my large rectangular window has been filled with clear blue skies, which you know at this time of the year means it will be cold. I imagine myself wrapped up warm in a winter coat with my scarf and gloves firmly pulled on, wandering around the high street with all the other shoppers, an excited Christmas buzz in the air and a warm Chai Tea Latte from Starbucks in my hand. At the moment, it is this thought that is getting me through the long work filled days.

I like to be kept busy and I like knowing that I have something to be getting on with. But being my last year of University the work load is very heavy and it builds up fast. No matter how much work I do, I know I have so much more left and it sometimes feels like I might have some sort of break down. I know I just have to try and keep on top of it all, and I know I should be organised and look at things with a clear head. Unfortunately I’m naturally scatter brained and tend to have a fuzzy head looking at the simplest of problems. It’s just that I want to come out of Uni with a good degree; if I’m honest I want a first. I know I’m aiming high but I just feel I need to prove something to people, to myself. I often get jokes about how I’m not doing a ‘real’ degree because I do Film Studies. It really annoys me when people think that the ‘creative’ courses aren’t as good or as challenging as the ‘academic’ ones. In some ways they are more challenging. There is often no right answer, and I can’t just look in a book for it. I know I shouldn’t care what people think but I do, I don’t want people to think I’m not clever or that I don’t try hard. It just feels like I’m battling to do what I want sometimes, like I’m constantly defending myself and I don’t think I should have to.

On the up side I have bought a gorgeous new dress from Topshop which has satisfied my addiction, for now. I wore it to a party last weekend and a girl complimented me on it and asked where it was from!!

Until next time
X

I’ve missed this blog. I’ve missed having an outlet for my emotions, a way of telling my stories and adventures. There are a few reasons as to why I haven’t been able to write. Firstly, I wasn’t very well as you may have read in my last post (written aaaaalll that time ago. Ha) Secondly, I couldn’t use my laptop because ‘The Boy’ dropped it and the charger connector thingy broke. And thirdly, Uni’s started up again. Major sad face.

It’s my last year at University and although I have enjoyed my time here, all I want to do is leave and get myself a proper job. I’m sick of not having any money; it would be nice to have some kind of income again! I also find that Uni can often be quite like school, with the lecturer’s nagging you about work and the way they put you into groups etc. Sometimes I feel like I’m back at secondary school.
For my final project I have to make a film, do a presentation, make a production folder and write a few essays. It’s a lot of hard work as I found out last week when a Masters Student came to talk to us about it. He explained how his group of four people were near enough living together all year, meeting for hours at a time, several days a week. He also threw in the fun little fact that towards the end of the project they were undertaking 17 hour editing sessions! I’ll be honest, I’m dreading it. I’ve already been in tears to ‘The Boy’ twice from the stress overload.
Don’t get me wrong I don’t regret my decision to come to Uni, especially not the one I attend. I’ve learnt a great deal, met some very cool people, done things I never thought I would do and I got to find out a lot about myself. It’s been a very important part of my life, after all this is how I met ‘The Boy’ who is off paintballing today. He likes to pretend he’s a marine. Bless.

Recently ‘The Boy’ and I have taken to road tripping down to Bristol. His sister and Aunty live down there in a beautiful house. So every now and then we descend upon them, eating their food and watching their films! We always have a laugh and hate leaving. He’s talked about us moving down there after Uni next year, I thought it was a pipe dream but now I’m starting to think he is serious. It would be lovely, the two of us on an adventure in a new city! Our start in the big bad world!

We’re off to Nottingham next weekend for my friend’s birthday. All my friends from home will be going so I’m really excited as I haven’t seen them in a while. We’ve been to her house a few times for some parties and they’re always great fun!

I went to see Coco Before Chanel last night at my Film Theatre. I brought along the boy, who was amazed to see where I have my lectures. It was a lovely film about an amazing woman, an icon. I have a lot of respect for her.

Until next time, and I promise I won’t be as long!
X

A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor's book. ~Irish Proverb

Whilst I lie in my big bed with my bright pink duvet cover pulled up over me, I can’t help but smile. I’m so glad to be back in my own bed as for the last 3 nights I have been in hospital.

The pains started the same as they have done the last 3 times - out of nowhere. Sunday morning 4am and I’m tossing and turning trying to find a position to sleep in that doesn’t leave me in agony. It doesn’t work. Soon enough the stomach cramps kick in and before you know it I’m throwing up violently. ‘The boy’ has to be at work soon and I can tell he is freaking out as it means leaving me by myself. After confessing to him that I would feel really rather uncomfortable staying at his house without him, especially whilst I’m being sick, I convinced him to go into work. The rest of the day was hell. I tried to sleep but couldn’t. I felt dreadful. I made a phone call to my mum at 4pm for some sympathy and ended up having her shout at me.

“There is something wrong with you, call an ambulance! This shouldn’t be happening again!”

What can I say? She’s a worrier. I promised her that I would go to A and E when ‘the boy’ got back from work. But I hate hospitals. So instead we ventured down to the walk in centre, thinking I would be sent home again with some pain killers. But this time he referred me to the SAU (Surgical Assessment Unit). At this point I started to panic.

To sum up, I was in the hospital for hooooouuuuurrrs! I eventually got seen, eventually had some blood taken, and eventually had a scan. Just when I had had enough, they kindly explained that I had Gallstones and would need to stay overnight.

At this point I broke down. I hate hospitals at the best of times. I have never had to stay overnight and wasn’t planning on starting now. But after a long conversation and a LOT of tears (on my part) I was sent off to the ward.

I was on clear fluids only. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t see my boyfriend until late afternoon because of their silly visiting hours. I was being pumped full of drugs that left a horrible taste in my mouth and made me feel sick.

The next day I pleaded with the nurses to let me go home. They said they would speak to the doctor but never did, so I was stuck for another night. This was made worse by the fact that the 3 women who were in the ward with me had all been discharged that afternoon.

My sister and her boyfriend and the ‘the boy’ all came to visit me that afternoon. My sister gave me a colouring book and some magazines as they left. I was in floods of tears and begged him not to leave me. I begged him not to make me stay. It was all so unfair on him, he had no control and I could tell he felt helpless.

But then the ward filled up. They brought in 2 more ladies during the afternoon, then another two that evening. And they were lovely! The lady next to me was really kind and asked if I was ok, after all I had made quite a dramatic scene. We watched some TV and they all tutted at the news, at the ‘youth of today’ and all the dreadful things that are going on in the world.

Then this morning they said I could go home. I had the biggest smile on my face. I still feel horrible and I’m still in pain but I’m at home with my boyfriend. I have to go back in for surgery at some point, not sure when though. I’m terrified but the doctors seemed quite calm about it all and I suppose if it stops the pain then it will be worth it.

I was so blissful going to bed Saturday night having spent a nice evening with the boy. Who would have thought all of this was about to happen!

Just shows how unpredictable life can be.

Take care
X

I never think of the future - it comes soon enough. ~Albert Einstein

I officially love Danny Wallace. I have been reading his book ‘Friends like These’. I laugh out loud on every page. I wish I could look at situations the way that Danny does; with the humour that he does. He is so positive and motivated to make his life as good as it can be.

‘The boy’ got up early for work today and headed out at 10am. I stumbled out of my big, comfy bed soon after. After doing a bit of housework (Anthea Turner eat your heart out!) I settled down with a bowl of porridge and my new favourite book.

I’ve been reading it all morning and it’s really got me thinking. I feel so utterly lost at the moment. It’s as if I’ve kind of lost who I am. I’m at such a bizarre age right now. 20 years old. I’m not a kid anymore and I know that. My teenage years came to an abrupt halt just a few months ago. I was so against turning 20. I didn’t want to say goodbye to my teenage years as it would mean growing up; no more skiving, no more irresponsible behaviour. I think I have finally come to terms with the fact that I am no longer a kid. I enjoyed my childhood and I loved my teenage years, but that era is over now and it’s time to move on. It’s time to accept the fact that I’m now in my twenties and that I’m growing up.

The most annoying part about all of this is that I’m not actually a grown up yet. I haven’t got a proper job, or income, or my own place. I’m sort of stuck between two important stages in my life. This is my last year at University. I have enjoyed it so much and it has helped develop who I am as a person today. However, after two years of it, I kind of want to finish now. I think I’m almost ready. I am eager to head out into the big wide world and start a new life. ‘The boy’ and I have already talked about moving in together. But it’s going to be difficult. He’s from the North (the midlands as he insists) which is where we both go to Uni and I’m from the South. We talked about moving somewhere in between our two families but I guess it’s wherever we can find the work. I’m so excited to move on with my life, with him.

I started to write some lists. I’m notoriously the most disorganised person you are likely to meet. And I have real issues with motivating myself to do work. But I have made a conscious decision to do well in this last year. I’m going to be super organised, do lots of extra study and try my absolute hardest. After all I do want to get a good degree at the end of all this.

The truth is I have always been terrified of growing up. Even until a few months ago I was scared to leave Uni. What happens when I finish? What will I do? What if I don’t get a job? But I think I’m starting to realise that it doesn’t matter. Whatever is meant to be will be. All I can do is try my hardest and hope that it will pay off in the long run. Whatever the future will hold, I’m ready for it.

To the future!
X

A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold. ~Ogden Nash

I could hear my phone going off downstairs. It was only a message so I left it for a few minutes. ‘The boy’ looked as if he was falling back to sleep so I ventured downstairs to see who was texting me at 11am. I had a missed call from an unknown number and a message from the voicemail service. Intriguing. I listened to my message and heard the voice of my boyfriends mum.

“Can you get Matt to ring me, right now please?”

I checked his phone, which was also downstairs to find that he had 5 missed calls and several messages. I started to panic a bit, thinking immediately that something was wrong. I ran back upstairs to tell him. He eventually got into contact with his sister who passed the phone over to his mum.

It turned out that his work had been ringing their house as he was supposed to be working today. He doesn’t usually work Monday’s but they had an extra shift going as someone had come down with Swine Flu. So he calmly told his mum that he had said to a girl at work that he couldn’t do the shift today because he has some Uni work to do. But unfortunately the message didn’t get passed on.

I could hear her shouting down the phone at him. “You’ve had all weekend to do this work, if you weren’t so busy playing happy marriages!” Excellent. She thought it was my fault. “I’ve just about had enough of this. You get back here and do that work if it’s so important!” All of his stuff is at my house but he had to collect his computer and work to go back home and do it there.

He reassured me that it wasn’t my fault and that his mum didn’t blame me. But I could hear everything that was said in that phone conversation. I’ve always had the feeling that she didn’t like me much. It’s understandable really. He spends all of his time with me; he never stays at his house anymore. But I don’t think any of it is my fault! I told him a million times to do that work, I’ve told him on several different occasions to go home more often. When we are at his house, I am the one who says that we should stay a bit longer.

“My mum’s fine. She’s laughing now! Ha” Is the text message I have just received from ‘the boy’.

I still feel horrible, like she thinks it’s my fault. And that the only reason she’s ok now is that for once she has her son back without that silly girlfriend of his tagging along too.

The thing is, I love spending time with his family; his mum, dad and two younger brothers and his sister when she comes back home. I don’t get to see my family as much as I’d like anymore as I’m at Uni. Luckily my older sister goes to a University close by so lives up near me and I get to see her every week almost. But the rest of them are 2 and half hours away and I really miss them. So it’s nice to spend time with a family, just watching TV, having a meal round the table, listening to them bicker. It reminds me of my family, and feels like I’m at home again, just for a little while.

We’re supposed to be going bowling tonight. His sister has come home and there’s going to be a crowd of his family heading down. But to be honest I really don’t feel like it. I feel dreadful as it is because of this horrid cold I’ve developed and now after this morning’s drama! I just feel like he should spend time with his family without me. They don’t want me there, hanging around. But he just thinks that I’m being silly.

I think I’m going to pull myself together. I’ll have a nice long shower with some Happy Hippy shower gel from Lush, that lemony sent always cheers me up. And then head over to my sisters for a cup of tea and a nag. I’m sure I’ll feel right as rain after that, I always do 

Loves
X